Trade Shows

Got into a discussion with my pal and WCG-TV broadcast partner Jeremy Sawatzky about Canadian sports television personalities, namely from TSN and Sportsnet.

Now, there's undoubtedly no shortage of wretched "talents" on both networks, but Swatter is partial to TSN and I, not liking TSN whatsoever, sided with Sportsnet. So, we made ourselves virtual GMs, perused through our lineups and began proposing trade offers to each other.

I first boasted that I was in the position of leverage because Swatter/TSN had nothing that I wanted. So if he was looking to make a move, then he'd better pony up. Looking at the TSN lineup I felt like I was poaching from the rosters of the mid-1970s Washington Capitals. (Swatter, however, was looking at a roster, mine, that was maybe more like the Washington Generals. But I digress.)

So as in the real sports world, it's not always that a trade you get actually comes complete with players that you actually wanted. The "give something to get something" theory also streches into "you have to take this, to get this." The only person Swatter took off the table was Chris Cuthbert, a versatile and likable play-by-play guy who actually lends credibility to that sad-sack network. He's very good. (CBC, then, would have to be the Los Angeles Clippers at this point — making mind-boggling personnel moves only to have a renaissance, of sorts, recently despite their ignorance.)

I immediately went after Cory Woron. He's the Carlos Delfino of this dicussion: A guy who is buried on the bench (weekend anchoring), gets very little playing time (rarely seen) but you know he could step into a more significant role if given the chance. He won't carry your team, but he'll do some good things.

Swatter didn't flat out say he was off limits, but he made it difficult for me to get him.

In response, Swatter — trying to shed some of his deadweight — understandably offered up the bland and personality-free Holly Horton. Normally I would have shot this down from the git-go, but I see a fit for her. I said we might entertain an offer for her and then we could move her to Sportsnet's new "InBox" segment where she could stand in front of a TV and do a two-minute segment that basically just plays YouTube clips. That would enable us to shed Sportsnet newby Daru Dhillon, the woman who has wrestled the "Most Annoying Voice in All of TV Sports" away from Jennifer Hedger and The Score's Caroline Frolic.

With that in mind, here's a few of the trade proposals that are currently on the table. Luckily, no trade deadline is in place.

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PROPOSAL #1:
TSN GETS: Jason Portuondo, Daru Dhillon and Rob Faulds
SPORTSNET GETS: Cory Woron, Holly Horton, Ryan Rishaug
LOGIC: TSN gets the benefit of actually having a minority in an anchor role (Portuondo), something for which it has never really been known. The Horton-Dhillon swap is a write-off and we dump a dead beat in Faulds in exchange for a decent field reporter who can cover our prairie region. TSN, however, would have to find a place for the ultra-untalented Faulds.
DEAL DEAD

PROPOSAL #1A:
Swatter proposes we take Woron out of the deal and TSN would offer us full Raptor coverage and Chuck Swirsky, the man who for which the term "face for radio" must have been made. Swirsky is a love-or-hate play by play guy. Luckily, I hate him. So that deal is not happening. I say: "I'll take Rishaug and I'll put him on the prairies reporting and take that David Bastl and send him back down to the minors. (i.e. Winnipeg Global where he belongs and no one watches so no one notices that he doesn't know anything about sports).

(Side note: Swatter then says, "we'll just assign Rod Black to Raptor games. ... Oh wait...." Even in jest, his comments are enough to shake your soul.)

PROPOSAL #2:
TSN GETS: Gord Stellick
SPORTSNET GETS: Bob McKenzie

Swatter offers this one up and I jump on it. McKenzie has more rep if only because he wasn't the GM of one of the worst teams in the history of the NHL (see: Stellick as GM of Leafs). McKenzie is loud but ... well he's not Stellick. To juice up the pot a bit, I offer Stellick's "Herbal Remedy" ads at no extra charge. He asks if I want Pierre McGuire, too. I bluntly reply: No.
DEAL DONE

PROPOSAL #3:
Moving to Jays baseball, Swatter suggests a one-for-one colour man deal in which we get Pat Tabler in exchange for Rance Muliniks, both former Jays. I, a fan of Rance in his playing days and never one to part with someone named Rance, turn this down. I offer that I'll make the deal if he throws in Michael Whalen because Sportsnet needs a Quebec presence.

A lifelong Montreal Canadiens fan, Swatter says no because Whalen is his mainstay.

I say it's sad that he's a fan of either.
DEAL DEAD

It was at this point, like so many GM meetings, that the talks broke down because of the offering of chicken wings. We broke for dinner ...

I'm sure this conversation will once again continue and I'll be sure to keep all you posted. I know you're all waiting to find out what I do with the rumoured deal that involves Nick Kypreos, Mike Toth and Sean McCormick.