False Dynasty

The New England Patriots beat the Cincinnati Bengals on the road Sunday, sending the collective group of criminals and all around jackasses to their first loss of the season.

The Patriots, who aside from quarterback Tom Brady are decidedly average in talent on paper, simply pummelled the Bengals on their home field and in the process essentially said "not so fast" to anyone who would have written them off as shadows of their former dynastic selves.

On two separate occasions, however, NFL television analysts remarked something akin to "this was supposed to be the game where the AFC power shifted" and "the Patriots weren't ready to hand over the torch."

Um, what? Hand over what torch? Let me just take a second here. ... I have something I want to remind people.

Just bear with me. This should only take a quick sec.


















I know it's hear somewhere. What did I do with it?
















Oh yeah, here it is:


So this torch that you speak of? Well, with all due respect to the dynasty of the Patriots — and make no mistake that's a team I respect and hold nothing against — that torch wasn't in their hands as of right now anyway. However, I'll humour the argument for the time being and let's say we accept the fact that the Patriots are still in their dynasty — hey, another Super Bowl this season would certainly prolong it — what is the suggestion that this game in Week 4(!!!) is the one in which the dynasty is to be handed over.

Of course even more preposterous is that this suggests that the Football Gods who look over such a thing — they of course being the concentric rings of organized crime that affect betting lines and coerce teams and officials to throw games — have evidentally selected the Bengals as the team of the future, the one worthy of taking the torch as the new dynasty of American football. Why that might be is beyond me. Perhaps it has something to do with the city of Cincinnati being completely uninhabitable and devoid of any noticeable redeeming qualities.

Alright, you know, I'll play along with this line of thinking for a moment, too. Hey, OK, Cincinnati Bengals, you're the chosen ones. We've decided: Those coveted AFC North Division champions hats you guys are so proud of wearing, well toss those to the side, boys. Your dynasty lids are in the mail. Hey, don't worry about all those years and years of futility and missed playoffs, that North Division title from last year is good enough for us. Your franchise wasn't even worth our contempt a couple of seasons ago, but don't wortty those days are over. You're now the greatest franchise in the National Football League, pishaw to the fact that in all reality you should be no better than 2-2 right now. We're suckers for overnight success stories, even if they're completely contrived.

Yup, that was the dynasty-hander-over game. We hope you enjoy your stay atop the NFL and have fun with your new torch. Just a memo: Some of the other dynasties — the 1970s Steelers, the 49ers, the Cowboys — get together once a week for a barbecue and lawn darts. If you can manage to get your guys out of prison for the day or if you need us to come by your place (y'know because of the house arrests), then that's cool too. Bring your probation officers too, we'll make a day of it.

Now, enjoy your torches. We now return you to reality...