And now a word...

Hey did ya ever notice how commercials stink?

And, hey, did ya ever notice how puppies are cute and winning the lottery has the uncanny way of picking up your day?

Me too, kiddo!

But honestly, how rare is it nowadays to actually find a good commercial? Never mind a great commercial. Pretty fricken' rare, my friends. We're in the same broadcast universe where whoever has been green-lighting those McCain ads has managed to keep a secure job for the past two decades.

With that in mind, here's the worst commercials currently running on TV. As always, feedback is welcomed.

• Tim Horton's "The Guy Who Really Likes The Cookies".
››››› The Highlights: Scene at some generic office building where the boss is brainstorming with a group of geniuses whose best contributions are "we have to get there before our competitors do" and "what if they do beat us there?". The cookie guy responds "touche" and reaches for a cookie. Hilarity ensues.

• Speed Stick "Foreign Dub Special"
››››› This is so bad, I'm not entirely sure it's for Speed Stick, but I'm guessing that it is.

The Highlights: Some frisky little eastern block girlfriend arrives home with her apparently common-law boyfriend in the shower. She's shocked that his shirt doesn't reak after his jog, making their living in sin arrangement a little more tolerable evidently. The commercial's god-awful quality is enough right there but the coup de gras is the fact the entire thing is dubbed. Canada couldn't find a few actors to get into character for this intensely strenuous bit of role-playing — true thespians were needed — so we had to import this little piece of genius from, oh let's just say,... Bulgaria. Hilarity ensues.

• A & W "You Fixed The Car Now Do Something About The Wife"
›››››› The fast food chain has really made a solid run at being a contender for worst series of commercials.

The Highlights: In this particular A & Dub offering, a man has put the finishing touches on his pride and joy: A restoration job on a cherry red '66 Mustang. The loving wife returns home and not even trying to hold back her disdainful sarcasm says "what'd that take you, three years?" The loving husband, and father we presume, shakes off the unnecessary jab and offers to take his tart of a wife for a driving date, turns on a nostalgic 50s tune and goes to the A & W. He flashes the lights towards the restaurant — just like back in the day — as he's arranged to be served at the car. Through all of this, the wife can barely even purse her lips to get her decrepit old mouth to form the fragments of a smile. You ungrateful tart. Is this a marketing strategy? Having the most detestable character in the history of TV ads to pitch the good ol' days and nostalgia of bygone years?

• Canadian Tire "You Mean You Don't Have This Tool Yet?"
›››››› The Highlights: This husband-wife combo has been pitching various inventions available at your local Canadian Tire store for a couple years now and they never seem to get less pretentious about it. Their neighbours are falling over themselves to try the newest pressure washer or leaf mulcher that the couple is all-too-willing to lord over them. The husband, who might be Steven Keaton of Family Ties fame, is utterly giddy any time he can show off his new air mattress or his brand new grill brush-slash-bike pump-slash-cell phone car adapter that he just picked up the other day. The wife is equally pleased being able to have 'girl talk' with the other wives about how much usage Steven gets out of the dog kennell-slash-bike rack-slash-turkey fryer they stumbled across during their bi-weekly trip on Tuesday.

What they don't mention is the price tag on all this usefullness: $859,476.32. And the Canadian Tire money in return for your purchases? $1.48

But the winner that takes it all, is ...

• Saturn "We're About The People"
›››››› Whether it's going back to the earliest ads that showed the car company's policy of putting customer's pictures on the walls, or to the most recent line in which the company literally brings its customers to tears of joy, Saturn has always had a knack for phonily tugging at heartstrings with completely contrived story lines and pathetic attempts at sincerity.

The Highlights: The three that stand out most are the girl who's overseas and has her car ordered up and ready to go only a Saturn dealer greets her at the airport with her keys and car ready for her; the 30-day money back guarantee ad in which a girl loses her job, returns to the dealership sobbing because she can't afford her car leading to this exchange:

HIM: Don't worry because ...
HER: The money back guarantee? (sobbing)
HIM: (Wistfully, head cocked) Yes.
HER: When I get another job, don't worry, because I'm buying a Saturn.

Then, a la The Littlest Hobo, she walks off into the sunset with nary a look back at the earthly saint that she has just crossed paths with.

And finally, the monologue ad from a woman who's picking up her boyfriend at the airport and talking about how great he is and how he's everything she wants in a man. And "not to compare a man to a car, but... *dramatic pause*... that's why I bought a Saturn."

Good christ.

Scotia Bank has thankfully taken its run of ads off the air now in which the family is moving to a new house but the wife can't bear to leave because she can't get her eyes off the wall where the children's heights were measured.

"It's just... that... this is where the kids grew up." And CUE DIDO!

I'm not a fan of fake emotion, especially in the guise of selling RRSPs.

In the words of Dennis Miller, of course that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Lyric of the day:
(Hello and welcome to MeatShake)
Hi
Hi, how are you there?
(I am doing meaty good)
Yeah..
(Well, may I take your order) Yeah, my wife would like a shake
(Okay, what flavor do you want? We have chicken, pork or steak)
Huh? (We also have our special of the month Turkey Jerky
So which one will it be?) Mh - I think that you misheard me
(Hello?) Maybe I spoke too soft or you just didn't listen
(You said you want a shake) Yeah, but then you mentioned chicken?
(Uh-huh, or steak or pork or Turkey Jerky) Right, I'm confused
(Oh, I see you're not familiar with ingredients we use
First we take a measure of the sweetest dairy creams
Combine it with your meat of choice, along with cheese and beans
We mix it in a juicy batter, then we heat it up
And add the secret syrup, then serve it in a cup)
Yuck! That sounds disgusting (I see you're not excited)
But wait until you tried it, you'll want it in your diet)
Ah-ah (It's a warm and tasty way to eat your daily beef
And it's very, very smooth, you don't have to use your teeth
It's kinda like the brooth a pregnant women gives her fetus
It builds you up and makes you strong) People really eat this?
(We've served a half a million and they've all been satisfied
We're expanding new locations and they're growing nationwide)
But back to the shake (Okay) All you have are meats?
(Ah-ha) What about chocolate, strawberry or peach?
(Well, we do have vanilla) Now that sounds delicious
(But it's Vanilla Ham, we only make it during Christmas
Maybe you'd be happier to go across the street
You could eat at Veggie Hut where they don't use any meat
They play world music so it's perfect for a hippie
You can talk about communism, meat-hating sissy)
What?
(Beat it granolas)
We're not granolas
(Don't you have a protest to get to or something?)
That's so lame, this place sucks
So rude, honey, he just called me a sissy to my face
I'm not a sissy
(Shouldn't you be reading _Dianetics_?)
We're outta here
Ugly Duckling, The Drive Thru